Oh god, the last two days have been terrible because Quincy (my dysfunctional computer) has not been working properly. No, its not Quincy’s fault, he’s been brilliant as usual, but the internet at my home wasn’t working. I don’t know how people in the other parts of the world live but I feel lost without the internet and my computer. Right now all I have is my Dad's laptop with a Dial Up connection, which very slow and for some reason it prevents me from commenting on other people's blogs. So if anyone is wondering why I refuse to comment on their posts, its not because I hate you all, but I just can't till I get my normal connection back. It almost feels as if someone’s take a part of my soul from my body and made it into a umm... Horcrux. Alright, strange metaphors aside, the whole of last week as been a very odd period of my life.
Yesterday was the last day of school and that’s it, I’ve finished it forever. The problem is that I can’t grasp the concept that its all over, just like that. I’ve been here for the last four years and I have to admit, I’ve been looking forward to getting out here for a long time now. Now that the time has finally come, I can’t imagine life without it. When I came here four years ago, this school was the worse thing that happened to me. It was terrible, I disliked it from the bottom my heart, and couldn’t wait until the day I graduated from it. But now that the moment has finally come, I don't really want to leave. I not sure whether I want this change in my life. I’m excited about University and the future but at the same time, I’d like to hold on to the life, place and people I was used to.
I’m also a strange person when it comes to crying; I cry extraordinarily easily for books and movies, I mean, I even get teary eyed for cartoon movies and television adverts. But when it comes to things like funerals or serious issues, I just can’t cry. Its not because I feel less sorry or less emotional than most other people because what’s happening around me, its just that I can’t do it. Sometimes I feel really guilty about the fact that I don’t cry because it makes me look like a cruel cold hearted bitch, which I am (hopefully) not. I’m as emotional about leaving school as anyone else, but yesterday when almost everyone I knew cried and I didn’t or couldn't, I felt terribly guilty about it.
I know its not really over yet. We still have our final final exams in May, then there is the Graduation Day Ceremony in June and the Prom, but its never going to be a 'proper school day' again. No English lessons with Dave; no discussing life, philosophy, books, movies and everything else apart from biology with my Bio teacher; no rolling my eyes over the incompetence of my Chemistry teacher or wondering how is it physically possible for someone to have hair on the top of their nose; no Maths lessons with my teacher’s blatant favoritism for me; no finding out ‘teacher gossip’ in Italian class from my teacher; no arguing with TPF in Economics or making fun of my Eco teacher, who is just a few years older than us; no dreaded trips to AKB’s (university counselor) office; no bitching about people with friends during lunch; no walking around the football pitch checking out guys in breaks; no fantasizing over Dave’s personal life; no chatting up the Computer teacher for colour printing; no sneakily using the photocopy machine; no long bus trips to school with my ipod or forged late excuse notes, no coming back home every evening with Marry, TPF and Harry; no joking or discussing Buffy with the Fat Midget (PE teacher) or having Philosophy lessons with my school principal on whom I have developed a crush of sorts. But most of all, no familiar environment around me that I had slowly gotten used to. School was a place where people knew what I was like, a place where I could be comfortable in because my familiarity with it and now I'm off to University with thousands of other people who don't know me and definitely don't care.
Yes, whatever qualms I may have against my school or the people in it, the fact still remains that I’m going to miss it. I don’t have any possible rational explanation behind my thoughts or emotions, but that’s how it is.
Yesterday was the last day of school and that’s it, I’ve finished it forever. The problem is that I can’t grasp the concept that its all over, just like that. I’ve been here for the last four years and I have to admit, I’ve been looking forward to getting out here for a long time now. Now that the time has finally come, I can’t imagine life without it. When I came here four years ago, this school was the worse thing that happened to me. It was terrible, I disliked it from the bottom my heart, and couldn’t wait until the day I graduated from it. But now that the moment has finally come, I don't really want to leave. I not sure whether I want this change in my life. I’m excited about University and the future but at the same time, I’d like to hold on to the life, place and people I was used to.
I’m also a strange person when it comes to crying; I cry extraordinarily easily for books and movies, I mean, I even get teary eyed for cartoon movies and television adverts. But when it comes to things like funerals or serious issues, I just can’t cry. Its not because I feel less sorry or less emotional than most other people because what’s happening around me, its just that I can’t do it. Sometimes I feel really guilty about the fact that I don’t cry because it makes me look like a cruel cold hearted bitch, which I am (hopefully) not. I’m as emotional about leaving school as anyone else, but yesterday when almost everyone I knew cried and I didn’t or couldn't, I felt terribly guilty about it.
I know its not really over yet. We still have our final final exams in May, then there is the Graduation Day Ceremony in June and the Prom, but its never going to be a 'proper school day' again. No English lessons with Dave; no discussing life, philosophy, books, movies and everything else apart from biology with my Bio teacher; no rolling my eyes over the incompetence of my Chemistry teacher or wondering how is it physically possible for someone to have hair on the top of their nose; no Maths lessons with my teacher’s blatant favoritism for me; no finding out ‘teacher gossip’ in Italian class from my teacher; no arguing with TPF in Economics or making fun of my Eco teacher, who is just a few years older than us; no dreaded trips to AKB’s (university counselor) office; no bitching about people with friends during lunch; no walking around the football pitch checking out guys in breaks; no fantasizing over Dave’s personal life; no chatting up the Computer teacher for colour printing; no sneakily using the photocopy machine; no long bus trips to school with my ipod or forged late excuse notes, no coming back home every evening with Marry, TPF and Harry; no joking or discussing Buffy with the Fat Midget (PE teacher) or having Philosophy lessons with my school principal on whom I have developed a crush of sorts. But most of all, no familiar environment around me that I had slowly gotten used to. School was a place where people knew what I was like, a place where I could be comfortable in because my familiarity with it and now I'm off to University with thousands of other people who don't know me and definitely don't care.
Yes, whatever qualms I may have against my school or the people in it, the fact still remains that I’m going to miss it. I don’t have any possible rational explanation behind my thoughts or emotions, but that’s how it is.
On a lighter note, the last day of school was seriously fun, and I leave TPF to add in the details about it in her next post because thinking about my antics makes me blush. I bear hugged my weird Maths teacher, and am never going to hear the end of it from people.
10 comments:
You and your maths teacher are creepily friendly.
I really don't know what to say. You know how I feel.
Your personal poodle's friend,
TPF
'Ringo'
First up, I understand, that feeling where one must leave everything behind; familiar surroundings, loyal friends, ancient crushes.
And I also had to leave my country, my family and my book collection. That hurt-leaving my books behind i.e.
But you know what, we get over it. That's how humans are wired; to move on.
And the post touched another raw nerve when you mentioned about not crying (or acting inappropriately) in serious situations. Ditto for me, except that I have to take it one step further. I laugh. Now that is particularly despicable behavior during funerals and farewells. So well.
When I imagine a principal, I'm always going to imagine a fairly old guy. So your sorta crush is a little creepy....unless he looks like Principal Wood from Buffy. That's a little more understandable.
Thanks for the link! You and TPF seem to have both added me to your sidebars at the same time, which is nice and also brings to mind some elaborate conspiracy theories about your identities....
awww honey, school's over. look at you, an adult!!! farewells are sad but you get over them. col will be more fun. i mean, if you're late, no need to forge notes, just bunk!now that im in col, i cant imagine ever having to get a note if i miss a class and having worry about not completing homework or stuff like that.
and about the not crying thing, its perfectly normal... dont worry about it. a lot of people can't cry when they feel to deeply.
OMG, principal Wood is HOT! (Sorry for the outburst, guys.)
B-but, frankengirl, Pan's comment is longer! That's it, I'm officially jealous.
Ash: Pan and I are, in fact, one and the same. And I killed JFK. But don't tell anyone.
Sorry for replying to your comments, Pan. You can go ahead and reply to mine!
TPF - Do you mind staying on your own comments board please! Maths teacher and I are so not friendly. We have a professional student teacher relationship.
Ash - There are two theories reagarding your addition to our side bars actually:
1. We're one and the same.
2. We argued over who you belonged to and came to a compromise that we both could have you on our side bars at the same time. :D
I personally prefer no.1. It sounds way more cooler :D
1. We're one and the same.
2. We argued over who you belonged to and came to a compromise that we both could have you on our side bars at the same time. :D
I personally prefer no.1. It sounds way more cooler :D
I dunno, I prefer the sound of 2 :)
That's probably just the creepy internet stalker in me though.
I just coughed up a few hairballs over at TPF's--she threw me out, so here I am. Lucky you. A stupid old mangy cat on your doorstep.
The whole paragraph that starts with "I know its not really over yet. . . . is a priceless pearl you should never lose. Sadly, memories like these fade into the mind's background . . .
Using a book analogy for a girl/woman who loves books, you are in the process of closing one "section", comprised of many chapters, in your life. You are standing on a bridge, waiting for the next section--and first chapter--of your life, university. When I view my life like that, it gives me something to look forward to--and lots of sections and chapters to look back at.
Yes, I suspect you are a compartmentalizer. Tidy books all in a row, shoes all lined up neatly, and the only journal-ist I know who justifies her text. Got'cha!
Nitin - Oh my god, now you've done it! My book collection... Alright, I'm talking deep breaths here. Leave my book collection... How am I going to leave my book collection? This leaving thing is going to be like making Horcruxes. Pretty soon people will be calling me Lady Pan because I'm evil and I have a fragmented soul.
But you're right, us humans do have the habit over getting over things quickly and I should start seeing it as a good habit rather than a bad one.
Eris - I can be a happy adult in school thankyouverymuch. I know. I'll eventually get over it. Its going to be like leaving Bombay all over again, and you know how depressed I was when I left school there.
Frankengirl - aww, you do know how much I enjoy your long lectures, don't you?
You're right, what's troubling me much more than just leaving school is leaving the known environment and going into the unknown future. When I think about the whole thing rationally, I know that eventually wherever I will go, I'll meet new people and have new friends. But the big irrational part of my mind is rather insecure about the whole thing.
The thing with the crying is that I'm afraid people end up thinking that I don't care when I really do.
Mr Poop - You're definitely my favourite kitty and you're always welcome here when TPF is being mean and sending you away :P
I love your 'life is a book' analogy; it makes life seem so beautiful. it gives me something to look forward to--and lots of sections and chapters to look back at. This is a lovely line by the way, it just makes you look forward to the future without forgetting the past.
Yes, I suspect you are a compartmentalizer. Tidy books all in a row, shoes all lined up neatly, and the only journal-ist I know who justifies her text. It is rather freaky that you've summarized my character in a line. I do happen to be one of those organised, neat-freak colour coding people that you read about in books and wonder if they actually exist in real life. I mean, I draw margins on every sheet of paper I write on, and from teenage standards that is considered to be pretty weird.
PS: You're right I'm freakishly obsessed about justifying text. I don't understand how it can't bother any one. I mean, don't people like to have all their lines of the same length? It just unifies your writing and paragraphs, makes is look neater, organised, prettier and... I think I should just stop before I scare you away...
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